Mainstream vs. Tricolor

By Pastar Brick (Brandon Wirick)

The Tricolor view of mainstream Pastafarianism can be summed up as, “Wisdom wasted.” Bobby Henderson deserves credit for perceiving the divine landscape with clarity that has eluded humankind for all of pre-internet history, but he didn’t get everything right.

Following are a number of topics on which mainstream and Tricolor Pastafarians differ, along with explanations of what the Tricolor tradition retains and rejects from, and how it expands upon, the mainstream tradition:

Noodly Nature

Mainstream Pastafarianism describes God as a “Flying Spaghetti Monster” and refers to their “noodly appendage(s)” interacting with the universe.

Retention: Tricolor Pastafarianism retains the concept of the noodly appendage. On monotheism, God is less likely to have human-like hands than string-like appendages capable of interacting with Planck-scale physical entities. Noodle is a good metaphor.

Rejection: “Flying Spaghetti Monster” is not an appropriate appellation for God. For starters, why would God be a monster?

Expansion: The string-like nature of Yahmeh is best expressed by the Parma Color. Parma is extensive, pervasive, and connected to the universe in a complete sense.

Science

Bobby Henderson introduced us to Pastafarianism in the context of a debate in Kansas over how best to teach science in schools. Presumably to make a point, and not to seriously impede science education, he offers a trickster-God character, who purportedly created the universe relatively recently and planted fake evidence of its apparent age of 13+ billion years.

Retention: Science is good, and proper science education is important.

Rejection: We recoil at the concept of a trickster-God. We certainly do not center our religion around such a character. Barring some yet unknown good reason to doubt scientific consensus, we accept the current theory of a universe that is 13+ billion years old.

Expansion: We credit science, specifically the internet (both as a product of science and a means by which to advance it), as a prerequisite conduit for divine revelation. It makes perfect sense that God would wait until the people of earth had significant internet access before providing significant revelation. We expect that as science advances and the internet expands, Tricolor ideas will become richer and offer more value.

Humor

Bobby Henderson has taken enough of a satirical approach to his religion that U.S. District Court Judge John M. Gerrard ruled the FSM Gospel “…plainly a work of satire, meant to entertain while making a pointed political statement.”

Retention: Levity is an important part of religion. Should interaction with the divine not make us laugh? Can God not tell a good joke?

Rejection: A religion cannot be primarily a satire. Satire may play a part (as with any idea), but if everything is a joke, the religion has no independent identity as a religion. The Tricolor process is to judge each concept as part of a specific, collective religious vision. Whether some purported Pastafarian principle pokes fun at a major world religion should not determine its authenticity.

Expansion: Wordplay can be a sign of divine favor on a culture or community. For example, “Parma’s Son Cheesus” sounds like “Parmesan Cheese” in English, and Parmesan Cheese is a common topping on Spaghetti. If Parma and Cheesus are indeed names of Colors of Yahmeh, then they are likely part of a divine revelation to English speakers.

Pirates

Pirates are a big deal in Pastafarianism, for no known reason other than that Bobby Henderson made a terribly unscientific graph noting an inverse correlation between global warming and the prevalence of pirates. Some mainstream Pastafarians wear pirate regalia on various occasions, and some celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day, which occurs on September 19 every year.

Retention: Pirates are important for mysterious reasons. There’s nothing wrong with wearing pirate regalia or observing Talk Like a Pirate Day. Unrelated, global climate change is an important issue, and again barring some yet unknown good reason to doubt scientific consensus, we accept that it is a real phenomenon deserving of careful, long-term consideration.

Rejection: There is no known important link between global climate change and the prevalence of pirates. Pirates are also probably not the “original” Pastafarians.

Expansion: One of the three Colors of Yahmeh is the Pirate Ghost.

Holidays

Mainstream Pastafarians are not dogmatic about holidays, or pretty much anything. Some celebrate a vaguely defined holiday called “Holiday” in December and other satirical variants of pre-existing holidays (“Ramendan”, “Pastover”).

Retention: Tricolor Pastafarians are also not dogmatic about holidays, or pretty much anything.

Rejection: The Tricolor tradition does not give special attention to satirical holidays. It’s not wrong to observe them, if so inclined.

Expansion: The equinoxes are important to Tricolor Pastafarians. The spring equinox (different in northern and southern hemisphere) celebrates Parma’s Son Cheesus, and the fall equinox celebrates the Pirate Ghost. On or around the spring equinox we gather (non-Tricolor friends welcome) to create simple works of art, like macaroni art with construction paper. We display this art in our homes for six months. On or around the autumnal equinox (very close to Talk Like a Pirate Day in the northern hemisphere) we gather (privately this time) to destroy those works of art.

The Colander as Headwear

Some mainstream Pastafarians wear a colander as religious headwear (clearly this is related to the colander’s use in the preparation of spaghetti), and notably some take photos for various government-issued IDs wearing a colander.

Retention: Tricolor Pastafarians may also wear a colander, including in ID photos.

Rejection: Although it may look funny, humor is not the primary purpose.

Expansion: For a Tricolor Pastafarian, the motivating metaphor behind the colander is that of the divine noodle as a desirable actor in the mind and/or brain, and of brainwash as an undesirable counteracting force against the divine noodle. Just as a colander physically keeps noodles in order while rinsing them with water, a colander resting on one’s head serves to keep the mind and/or brain in an orderly state when otherwise at risk of brainwash. Typically this extends to the actions of governments, religions, and media, and thus a Tricolor Pastafarian may reasonably opt to wear a colander whenever entering a government building or speaking with the press. To the extent that this appears to uninitiated people as absurd, they may actually benefit from the power of absurdity to break the spell of common brainwashing tactics.